Day 43- You’re gonna grow it back now right?

Truthfully, I don’t know yet. I can definitely see myself growing it long and shaving it for charity for the rest of my life, but whether I’m going to keep it short for a while now, I haven’t decided yet. I’m just going to roll with it for a bit.

What I love now though, is that when I look in the mirror, I see so much more than what is there staring back at me. I don’t just see a reflection like Mulan, because I know that the way I look is not who I am. Now, when I look in the mirror, I see someone whose confidence and ability to love has grown exponentially over the last few weeks. I see someone who has started questioning why we think in the way that we do, and looking into why these thought processes need to be changed. I see someone who is free, and pursuing a life where she tries not judge others and tries not to mind when others judge her. I see someone who is working towards total contentment. I see a feminine young woman. I see more of myself than I have ever seen before.

I’ve learnt to accept compliments, and ignore insults, but to not put too much weight into either because ultimately the way that we look genuinely does not matter. The way we feel affects the way we look, and the way that we feel is just so much more important. And right now, I can honestly say that I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin.

I shaved my head for me. I shaved my head so that I could learn about where my self-worth lies and how I define myself. I shaved my head so that I could learn to depend on God. Today, right now, I feel that I have definitely been successful in all of these things, and at the moment I love my shaved head because it reminds me of this every single day.

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Day 43- You’re gonna grow it back now right?

Day 22- Self-Consciousness

When I was 12 years old, two boys noticed the three fuzzy moles on the side of my face. They then proceeded to call me “moley, moley, moley” for the next few weeks of my life.

These moles were something that I had never thought about until they were pointed out to me. And since, they have become the thing that I am probably the most self-conscious about on my body. I have done extensive research over the years into getting them removed, and the only thing that has stopped me is the worry that a scar will look even worse.

When I initially thought about cutting my hair, it was the idea of having these moles on show that really terrified me. Ultimately, I knew that my hair would grow back. But I knew that there would be no hiding the moles if my hair was gone. The night before I went to get my hair cut it was this worry that kept me awake.

So when my friends who were visiting this weekend asked if having more of my face on show had made me more self-conscious, I was surprised when I answered no. I realised that I had definitely not thought about my moles, or my face for that matter, any more than I would consider normal. That realisation has been an incredible one. It proves to me that my self-confidence has clearly already grown, and that self-consciousness can be overcome. That is amazing. Stepping outside of my comfort zone has proved to me that I am stronger than I realised, and that I am capable of personal growth. It has made this whole journey worth it already. In learning to judge others less, I have learnt to judge myself less.

I am self-conscious about so much, including the fact that I’m a Christian. I’m self-conscious because I know that people will approach me with assumptions about what that means, similar to the assumption that I have talked about being associated with hair.  But I think that the key to not being self-conscious is closely linked to the key of not being jealous-contentment. Contentment with how I look, contentment with how I’m perceived though working to break down my own assumptions of others, and assurance in what I believe.

I am complete in God, I have nothing to be self-conscious about.

Day 22- Self-Consciousness

Day 10- I am my own worst critic

I will always be my own worst critic. We are hard-wired to critique ourselves, to try and better ourselves. Unfortunately, this criticism is often destructive, especially when it is related to how we look. I started this blog and cut my hair with the intention of letting go of all these “things” in my life,  and learning to depend on and trust God and His joy. I expected to have ups and downs. I expected bad days, days when I would hate my hair. I expected to need to wait for the bad days to pass, and to need to blog about them in order to make sure that I’m being totally honest.

What I didn’t expect was to connect with so many people in the process. I cannot get over how much support I received yesterday. I was inundated by kind words, advice and love. I have been so incredibly overwhelmed over the last 24 hours. And incredibly proud and privileged to have such amazing people in my life.

Being independent, doesn’t mean not needing support. It means knowing when to ask for support. In order to help others, you need to look after yourself. I’ve always said that asking for support shows strength, not weakness, and I’m lucky to have that mindset.  I have been blessed with so many people that I can depend on for support. God definitely puts each and every person in our lives to support us and to help us grow. In learning to depend on them, I am learning to depend on Him. In learning to be vulnerable, I’m also learning how to be stronger.

I’ve received some VERY sage advice recently, from some very wise people. I need to believe in myself. I need to tell the reflection that it’s beautiful. I need to remember to save some of the love that I’m so keen to spread, for myself- it is a heart full of love that wins first place, not a head full of hair.

People are going to judge, haters gon’ hate as they say. But the people that mind don’t matter, and the people that matter don’t mind. Also, I bet that half of the judgements I feel  are in my imagination! People are fundamentally good. I genuinely believe that, so I need to stop projecting my own negativity. I don’t need to hate on myself. I need to ignore these negative thoughts that I use to tear myself down. The things I tell myself, I would NEVER tell a friend. I am my own friend, and I deserve to treat myself the way that I treat them. We are all here to support each other, not tear each other, or ourselves down.

In God’s eyes I am exactly as He made me.

 

 

Day 10- I am my own worst critic