Day 43- You’re gonna grow it back now right?

Truthfully, I don’t know yet. I can definitely see myself growing it long and shaving it for charity for the rest of my life, but whether I’m going to keep it short for a while now, I haven’t decided yet. I’m just going to roll with it for a bit.

What I love now though, is that when I look in the mirror, I see so much more than what is there staring back at me. I don’t just see a reflection like Mulan, because I know that the way I look is not who I am. Now, when I look in the mirror, I see someone whose confidence and ability to love has grown exponentially over the last few weeks. I see someone who has started questioning why we think in the way that we do, and looking into why these thought processes need to be changed. I see someone who is free, and pursuing a life where she tries not judge others and tries not to mind when others judge her. I see someone who is working towards total contentment. I see a feminine young woman. I see more of myself than I have ever seen before.

I’ve learnt to accept compliments, and ignore insults, but to not put too much weight into either because ultimately the way that we look genuinely does not matter. The way we feel affects the way we look, and the way that we feel is just so much more important. And right now, I can honestly say that I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin.

I shaved my head for me. I shaved my head so that I could learn about where my self-worth lies and how I define myself. I shaved my head so that I could learn to depend on God. Today, right now, I feel that I have definitely been successful in all of these things, and at the moment I love my shaved head because it reminds me of this every single day.

Advertisements
Day 43- You’re gonna grow it back now right?

Day 10- I am my own worst critic

I will always be my own worst critic. We are hard-wired to critique ourselves, to try and better ourselves. Unfortunately, this criticism is often destructive, especially when it is related to how we look. I started this blog and cut my hair with the intention of letting go of all these “things” in my life,  and learning to depend on and trust God and His joy. I expected to have ups and downs. I expected bad days, days when I would hate my hair. I expected to need to wait for the bad days to pass, and to need to blog about them in order to make sure that I’m being totally honest.

What I didn’t expect was to connect with so many people in the process. I cannot get over how much support I received yesterday. I was inundated by kind words, advice and love. I have been so incredibly overwhelmed over the last 24 hours. And incredibly proud and privileged to have such amazing people in my life.

Being independent, doesn’t mean not needing support. It means knowing when to ask for support. In order to help others, you need to look after yourself. I’ve always said that asking for support shows strength, not weakness, and I’m lucky to have that mindset.  I have been blessed with so many people that I can depend on for support. God definitely puts each and every person in our lives to support us and to help us grow. In learning to depend on them, I am learning to depend on Him. In learning to be vulnerable, I’m also learning how to be stronger.

I’ve received some VERY sage advice recently, from some very wise people. I need to believe in myself. I need to tell the reflection that it’s beautiful. I need to remember to save some of the love that I’m so keen to spread, for myself- it is a heart full of love that wins first place, not a head full of hair.

People are going to judge, haters gon’ hate as they say. But the people that mind don’t matter, and the people that matter don’t mind. Also, I bet that half of the judgements I feel  are in my imagination! People are fundamentally good. I genuinely believe that, so I need to stop projecting my own negativity. I don’t need to hate on myself. I need to ignore these negative thoughts that I use to tear myself down. The things I tell myself, I would NEVER tell a friend. I am my own friend, and I deserve to treat myself the way that I treat them. We are all here to support each other, not tear each other, or ourselves down.

In God’s eyes I am exactly as He made me.

 

 

Day 10- I am my own worst critic

Day 9- The honeymoon is over

The honeymoon seems to be over. I’m questioning why I have cut my hair. I don’t feel happy with how I look. I don’t FEEL beautiful. 

I’ve never thought of myself as beautiful. If anything my body image has always been average to poor at best, just as I’m sure everyone else’s is. But I’ve always had the self-confidence to overcome this.

I also had my hair. My beautiful, beautiful hair. My hair that was always being complimented, even during the “bad” haircut times. I think that I may have underestimated my obsession with hair. I can look back at photos and know exactly what stage of my life that photo is taken in based on length, colour, style, curly, straight, wavy. I had competitions running with my friends for YEARS to see who could have the longest hair. I LOVED trying out different styles in the mirror (although ironically, I rarely wore any of these styles outside of the confines of my room). I definitely didn’t anticipate how much I depended on it to hide behind, to boost my self-confidence. 

I feel exposed without it. I feel vulnerable. Vulnerable to judgements. Vulnerable to insults. I think it’s because I have spent a lot of time on public transport over the last few days, surrounded by strangers. Surrounded by people who really are basing their thoughts of me on the way I look, and not the reasons behind why I look how I look, or who I actually am. I’m trying to assume the best of people because they are probably to busy thinking about their own lives to be judging me on my appearance. But this takes effort. It’s exhausting.

I think it’s also because of this – this need to justify and explain why I have such short hair. And I’ve met people for the first time who didn’t know me before I cut my hair. I feel within myself that I need to justify why I look like this. That I need to explain that this isn’t the real me. Long hair doesn’t add to who I am, just as much as short hair doesn’t take away from it. I’m trying to change my thought process. I’m trying to break down my own assumptions, beliefs, perceptions and views of beauty. But again, this takes effort. It’s exhausting.

I’m constantly surrounded by media that is telling me that it’s my attitude that makes me desirable, not the way that I look. But also I can make myself more desirable by looking a certain way. These mixed messages are both confusing and hurtful. I need to ignore this media. I need to remember that I am desired by God. That he desires a relationship with me, and loves me more than I can imagine, so much that He died for me. THAT is my worth.

I look in the mirror and I see my 16 year old brother. And that’s not a problem, because I love him so much. But, I am NOT him. I am me. I need to learn to look in the mirror and see me, and love what I see, regardless of what is looking back at me. Then I will have discovered true self-confidence.

Today, I’m struggling. Tomorrow I might not be. But today, I really am.

I am NOT my hair. I am so much more than the way that I look. We all are. Some days it’s just harder to remember that. Today I’m asking for prayer and positive vibes- that I remember why I have done this; that I remember that everyone is beautiful and people are kinder than we give them credit for; that I remember that I have a Father who loves me and gives me worth; and that I will stop searching for beauty in the mirror, but rather that I will assume beauty in the mirror, so that I can have real self-confidence in WHO I AM, not self-confidence that depends on my hair.

These are my hopes and prayers for everyone in the earth. And today, I need help hoping and praying these things for myself.

Day 9- The honeymoon is over