Day 43- You’re gonna grow it back now right?

Truthfully, I don’t know yet. I can definitely see myself growing it long and shaving it for charity for the rest of my life, but whether I’m going to keep it short for a while now, I haven’t decided yet. I’m just going to roll with it for a bit.

What I love now though, is that when I look in the mirror, I see so much more than what is there staring back at me. I don’t just see a reflection like Mulan, because I know that the way I look is not who I am. Now, when I look in the mirror, I see someone whose confidence and ability to love has grown exponentially over the last few weeks. I see someone who has started questioning why we think in the way that we do, and looking into why these thought processes need to be changed. I see someone who is free, and pursuing a life where she tries not judge others and tries not to mind when others judge her. I see someone who is working towards total contentment. I see a feminine young woman. I see more of myself than I have ever seen before.

I’ve learnt to accept compliments, and ignore insults, but to not put too much weight into either because ultimately the way that we look genuinely does not matter. The way we feel affects the way we look, and the way that we feel is just so much more important. And right now, I can honestly say that I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin.

I shaved my head for me. I shaved my head so that I could learn about where my self-worth lies and how I define myself. I shaved my head so that I could learn to depend on God. Today, right now, I feel that I have definitely been successful in all of these things, and at the moment I love my shaved head because it reminds me of this every single day.

Day 43- You’re gonna grow it back now right?

Day 39- Trust

Since it’s Palm Sunday, today at church the sermon was about the Easter story. And the thing from the sermon and the bible reading (John 18 v1-11) that stood out to me most was that God was in entire control that whole time. Even during the darkest times when it might have seemed like His plan was going wrong, He was totally in control. It was all in His wonderful plan for humanity.

It made me realise the change in myself. Learning to trust God throughout this whole process for me has been quite the experience- trusting that shaving my head was the right decision to make at the time, going through with it and starting this journey. It’s so easy to tell myself that God is in control, to repeat the mantra that it will all be alright in the end, and don’t worry because it is in God’s hands. But to truly believe that and live it out is difficult. It’s silly because I should spend my time marvelling at the fact that I am able to leave all my worries with God, but instead I have always spent my time stressing about the future, and what people think of me, and whether I’m doing the right thing.

As I’m nearing the end of my degree I have so many questions about what is to come next in my life- where will I live, what will I do, who will be my friends. And I don’t doubt that I will have these questions for a long time to come. The difference is that I now have the assured confidence that I will have the strength and know-how to get through whatever comes my way. Over the last 39 days I have begun to appreciate God’s sovereignty within my own life, and with that has come a great sense of peace. His plan is more amazing than anything I could imagine, so what do I have to be anxious over? I have learnt to place my worries in his hands, and to just live and love.

Day 39- Trust

Day 2- I am not Samson

I woke up this morning (in my beanie because I live in Scotland, it’s the middle of winter, and having no hair leaves you COLD) and felt awful. I reluctantly got out of bed, walked over to the mirror and as I took the beanie off I despairingly thought to my self “WTF have you done, you whimsical idiot you?! You don’t want to go on a journey of self discovery at all, you want to be a princess who can play with her hair. I told you that you’d regret this.”

But, while I was (morosely) eating my breakfast, one of my best friends texted me. She said “It sounds silly but I know that you’ve given up one of the things that has meant that most to you-that’s so powerful.”

When I went to bed last night, I had FELT powerful. I had received this phenomenal outpouring of love and compliments all day via social media and in person. I’d had people telling me that I was an inspiration, and friends asking about making donations to the charity. I’d served at my new church for the first time by helping to lead praise and worship, which had involved singing in front of people for the first time since I was 17! Then we’d had a bible study about how we are more precious to and loved by God than we as humans can even begin to understand, and He is more powerful and mighty than we could ever comprehend. Knowing that I had Him on my side, paired with the amazing support of my family and friends had left me feeling STRONG.

Unfortunately though, I am but a mere forgetful mortal, and upon waking this sunny morn I felt totally abandoned. That text changed my mood completely. Then, at my work placement, I was walking down the corridor when a lady who worked a few cubicles down from me, but I’d never spoken to, stopped me. She shouted down the corridor behind me “Excuse me”, and I was convinced I was about to get in trouble for taking too long a lunch break (again!). She surprised me though. She said “Sorry, but didn’t you have really long lovely hair last week?” We chatted about why I’d chopped it, and she told me that the new style really suited me and that she thought it was such a great thing that I’d done.

Both of these people took the time out of their day today to spread a little love my way. Imagine if we all tried to spread love and positivity constantly like that. What if every time that we felt the impulse to tell someone something we love about them- about the way they look, a thing they’ve done, the way that they’ve acted, something they’ve said…imagine if we did it.

I am not Samson. My power and strength does not come from my hair. My power and strength comes from within. And it’s fuelled through love- by God, and the wonderful people around me, whose power and strength I try to fuel in return.

 

 

 

Day 2- I am not Samson